Hate.

Hate, the way its spreads through your body, consuming it, taking everything it can, like cancer. exhausting. but theres no chemo for it, no radiation treatment. nothing. it eats you from the inside out, until its all you know, a second home no matter how hard like the worst kind of chemical drug, you want to quit, but once you’re addicted, once you’re hooked, you can’t quit, doesn’t matter how it changes you, or hurts the people around you, its what you rely on most, like a crutch. stability. Eventually you turn cold, so cold it gives the illusion of warmth, and you like this feeling, even if you say you don’t you know its your fuel. comfort. the realization that this hate is what you come back to time and time again, like homing pigeons at nightfall. it protects you, like walls, tall, thick, strong, overwhelming. no doors, no windows, no bends or cracks. straight up and down. no one can break them down, not even you, not now. no matter the attempts, not trace of forced entry is left, no imprints or dents, nothing. But you like this, they don’t deserve to see how you feel, think how you think, know why you walk how you walk. and those who do, would know not to try and break down these walls, they would climb, thinking out a plan, or dig, blueprinting how and where they would shovel next, careful the soil wont cave in around them. “everything will be alright” they say.

no it wont, who the fuck are you to tell me what will and will not be alright ?

you know better then to think such optimistic bullshit; faith, fate, trust, hope…fuck it. you don’t need a false sense of security, you’re not stupid, you don’t need their rescuing, their prayers, nor do you want it…this hell burning inside of you is your home…home sweet fucking home.